The Uncertainty Principle

Issue One

Your first love.....
Stuart Brown, 'A boy made of his family, a man contemplating life.'

Guys, who remembers the first time they truly set eyes on the opposite sex. The first time they gazed longingly towards a woman, girl, cartoon without really knowing why. A sigh, a deep breath and then back to reality, which if you were an early starter was throwing sand at another child or rocks at girls as retaliation to them wearing a 'boys are stupid throw rocks at them T-shirt' or even riding out of playgroup on your pimped out peddle motorbike. Maybe you were a late developer and stumbled out of your bosses office spilling coffee all over her brand new white carpet, cussing yourself under your breath as you scurry away into your cubbyhole, or are so taken by a woman that you neglect to look where you are going and , ooops, that's a lamppost!!

Regardless of the age, apart from the very few of us born with the cool gene imprinted across our entire genome, most of us stumble, fumble and dribble are way through our first 'real' encounter of those aliens from Venus. And at that point guys, we do view them as alien. They may be our friend one moment, but as soon as the boundary is crossed it all goes Pete Tong! Once we begin to look at that special girl as exactly that, special, everything changes including co-ordination, language ability and common sense. Apparently it's a good sign if, as children, we bash each other like 'Bamb Bamb' from the Flintstones. Yep....common sense, running dive out of a seventh floor window.

It seems that as boys we believe that the way to a girls heart is to humiliate them ritually. We are practically subliminally told this from birth. I think the first time I ever humiliated a girl was when, as a one year old baby, I was obviously bursting (toilet). Lying on my back, apparently, I sent arcs of urine high into the sky and straight onto her face whilst her nappy was being changed. Yes, I got my first humiliation as early as that! Shame. Chalk one for me. Top of the tots....

So, everybody remembers their first love. I am sorry ladies, but giggles and butterflies don't really compare to the torment us boys/men put ourselves through every time we meet somebody we like. Remember what happened when you told your friends?....Oh yes, Yes! Tortured for ever more. Again my comments do not include those James Dean/Barry White like personalities that have only smoothness and a wide gait!! I remember the first time I met my first love/crush/Venusian. I was 14 years old and heading to a 'Boyzone' concert for my cousin's birthday. She had invited us to attend. NO, no, no, I did not go there to watch 'Boyzone' before you ask. I was a boy interested in football, and well football. Watching a boy-band croon was NOT my idea of a 'beast' time, to use vernacular of my youth. But, I did like to spend time travelling, so, a day trip to Sheffield was an exciting opportunity. Supposedly.... For all you Tommy Tanks that is like living in New York and wanting to travel to New Jersey for your vacation. Pointless!! As it goes, it turned out to be one of my more memorable days. Not only did I meet the girl who I believed I would marry, but also glimpsed my first Rastafarian festival. Which was awesome!

The girl, a beautiful creation of mixed heritage, had a black Caribbean father and white British mother. As she exited her mother's car, at my cousin's house, I stopped dead in my track. My first UFO encounter. What was this thing? This stunning intergalactic traveller? This Greek goddess from the stars? Had I found Dante Alighieri's modern day Beatrice or Troy's Helena here to destroy any limited intelligible capacities I had as a young boy on the throws of manhood? I was entranced, and the journey to Sheffield was one which will hold in my memory as enchanted. OK, so, it was just a car journey, but you get the picture. Listen, if C.S. Lewis can find fantasy in a wardrobe I believe I am entitled enchantment in an auto-mobile. And as we exited the car in a very quaint picnic spot, there she stood. Giggling, not entirely aware of my existence. Different in every aspect too any girl I had ever met.

She was beautiful, and to admit that to myself at 14 was difficult. I think I made parallels with the Brazilian football team! Often described as sexy, entertaining and vibrant. I would have settled for cool, awesome or 'beast'. My vocabulary was limited at that age, mostly grunts and yawns that my friends seemed to comprehend fully, and confuse the hell out of any adult listening. Teenagers....

After a day of bashful communication, an ending in which I mentioned that 'Boyzone' where sh** (in my humble teenage opinion) and she cried, I was totally and utterly besotted. Do I think she would have thrown rocks at the stupid boy, if any were available? Yes.

Fast forward 5 years. I have had my first 'real' girlfriend. I have had bunny like adult experience and am still a year and a bit from exiting my teenage years. In a fit of madness, I decided to call the girl and ask her out on a date. I turned up in a West Ham United top. We dated for 4 and a half years on and off. And far from being my Helena or Beatrice she became my Lilith. So, Lilith was my first love and I remember her well. Even now after a number of years thinking about her my stomach decides to leap around as though I am riding a roller-coaster. On the other hand, this could be the result of a dodgy kebab I ate last night.

Tommy Tank Dictionary
Tommy Tank – A person hailing from the United States of America.
Nappy – Diaper.
Sheffield – A beautiful city in the north of England surrounded by trees and Power Plants.
Boyzone – Horrific boy-band that have long since split. The split was an act of public service.
Football – Soccer, but the only sport that merits the name 'Football' because you actually play it with your feet not just to score a field goal. West Ham United top – Specific football (not American Football....damn it!!) jersey.